To be a great teacher…

Just recently, I’ve learned that I have an affinity and gift for encouraging and teaching. I wouldn’t call myself a good teacher. But when God called to me start a small bible study during college, I had to take up the task. It was burdensome because I wanted to move spirits and inspire souls- but my teachings seemed dead. They were un-engaging and I felt like everybody left with nothing to remember.

This verse carried me on. I’ve learned that teaching is not about me and how I teach. It is all about them, those who learn. And I can trust in the Lord that when I have done my best to facilitate His word, He will do the rest and there will be fruit.

So shall My word be that goes forth from My mouth;
It shall not return to Me void,
But it shall accomplish what I please,
And it shall prosper in the thing for which I sent it.

Isaiah 55:11 NKJV

Yesterday, after months of not meeting with my disciples, we had our first bible study video call in a long time. And I felt the same feeling I had felt during my college years when we were just starting off our bible study group… I was not able to teach effectively. Perhaps, this is how God nurtures our gifts. Frustration and a sense of humility enough to bow my head in prayer and ask for help, and a desire to do better for the sake of their joy, God’s and mine.

I had a desire to be great teacher. And Jesus himself modeled how. He said,

Not so with you. Instead, whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first must be your slave— just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.”

Matthew 20:26-27 NIV

As I recall how Jesus taught his disciples, he simply spent time with them which brought up more opportunities to experience life together and to see how Jesus lived, and talked, and learn from him. Jesus wasn’t swayed by the pressures of the crowd, the doubts and pride of his disciples, or the misunderstandings and arguments caused by his teachings… he let it happen, stuck to whatever the Father has him to say (John 12:49-50) and set himself as an example. His compassion to those who boldly come to him for help, his forgiveness to his disciples short comings, his time with the Father when the crowd sought his healing, and his love for us.

How can I teach like Jesus and not fall into the trap of reading off of a powerpoint presentation? How can I get them to start asking questions and seek Christ?

I must look to Christ and follow his example, and be disciplined to live out His teachings in order to protect my testimony (1 Cor 9:27).

When I fall, I shall stand again in His grace and work out my faith with fear and trembling!

Therefore, my dear friends, as you have always obeyed—not only in my presence, but now much more in my absence—continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you to will and to act in order to fulfill his good purpose.

Phil 2:12 NIV

What Color Best Describes You?

Yesterday, I asked my sister… “what color do I look like?”

Someone said, I looked like a yellow. Another said I was red, a color of passion. But the answer that struck me the most was my sister’s. She said I was green.

I must be her favorite person then! ‘Cause green is her favorite color.

Why?, I asked.

Because you are raw. You are real.

Recently, my sister and I have been talking about our regrets and mistakes. How it’s so easy to rationalize and justify your intentions, and yet, miss out on realizing how truly wrong you are.

We saw our humanity. And I guess, my sister saw that in me too. A flawed, imperfect person. My vulnerability. All of me, exposed. And yet, loved deeply, blessed, cherished and valued.

Such is the grace of God. To see all my colors and love me still.

What is your color?

Love is not entitled (poem)

02.14.24 [1:07am]

I wanted to be friends
because I knew we weren’t ready.
With your broad back before me
You said, “I have no chance with you”

You exude a warm glow with your presence.
You make me comfortable.
No, I didn’t shiver from your touch
But I knew I was safe by your side.

“Yes, you have a chance” I said in reply
But your back was like a shield
That blocked my hopeful words.
I felt like the only way through was to say “I like you too”

I said I wouldn’t confess
But your smile was worth the compromise.

I said I wouldn’t say “I love you” 
’cause that’s not what friends do
But it wouldn’t hurt if it were true,
Would it? 

I wanted to protect you.

As I got to know you better,
I learned your true name. 
You had three:
Kindness, gentleness and love. 

But your last name was different.
It shone brighter.
Sealed and signed was the name:
Christian.

Saved, redeemed, a new creation.

Yet your eyes reflect a wounded soul
Your shoulders crouch, 
your head hung low and
Your lips carry the weight of your sorrows

I thought your nature was weak 
And in your desire to help others
You set yourself aside
I thought you were foolish for doing so.

Little did I know, you embodied love.
Your spirit is most willing…

I believed the lie that I was entitled to
a perfect man. 
That you had to tick all the boxes in my list.
Well, no such man exists.

I sought for “ideal” before commitment.

But love demanded otherwise.
It required commitment in spite of imperfections.
It insists your highest good and considers your feelings first before mine.
Love is not all about happiness, if at all. 
But instead, happiness is the fruit of its hard work.

Love always trusts, always hopes,
and always perseveres.

I thought if I surrendered to God’s will 
that it meant letting go of my expectations.
I was wrong.
Expecting God to work and being fully confident that He would answer
Is an essential part of faith. 

Especially, if I prayed according to his will.

I prayed that you’d be closer to Christ. 
It didn’t cross my mind that your burdens were the catalyst.
I prayed for your joy, your peace, and your growth. 
But I was impatient

I was impatient over your struggles
Misunderstanding of your nature
Critical of your weaknesses
Inconsiderate of your feelings.
I only thought of my own.
My compromises, my sacrifices.

Me.

Truly, you love me.
And I took it for granted.
Yet you continue to admire me,
To seek me,
To love all of me.

Is this how Gomer felt?

I prayed that you’d be fully loved, as you deserve.
That I’d be the person who could beat your love
as we outperform each other.

My problem was pride.
I couldn’t fully love you
without denying myself of
being “right” with “good intentions”.

I used to think I was ahead of you.
Like the girl in my dream riding on a jeep.
But you were far beyond me,
Running with your bare feet. 

In your dream, I was ramming the gas pedal
And I stole your wheel.
But eventually, you found a way to gain control
Now, you’re driving.

And I will sit and watch.

So what do I really want?
It is you that I prayed for.
I’m sorry it took so long before
I actually took God’s word for it.

But here we are,
and I hurt you (again).

This time, I know the wound will take longer to heal.
Take all the time you need, my love.
And I shall wait on the Lord (and study 1 Cor 13).

– Mary Dannelle

Reflections: My First Job as a Dentist

Who would’ve thought I’d get my first job just 1 month after returning to the Philippines? Who knew I’d work with patients again after 3 years of handling simulation models? Who knew I’d enjoy work despite the anxieties of incompetence?

God has blessed me and proved Himself faithful yet again. The cares of this world may choke the joy out of God’s promises, but if I strive to learn from Him, I will find that He is gentle and humble to teach me. I need not worry about stability, money and success. I have all that I need in Christ.

I prayed for 3 specific things I want in a job:

1. Good mentorship
2. Good environment
3. Good relationships
   *Bonus: a monthly salary of at least 15k php

I wanted a job where I could learn side by side with the Dentist, be free to ask questions; a clinic that I could easily commute to, that is clean and well organized; and staff that have good, healthy relationships with one another. And guess what? I’ve got all three answered, and more! The head dentist was even willing to adjust my schedule in case I want to pursue further studies.

Working as a health care professional is a life long journey of learning and practicing.

I can’t lie, I was so, so, SO anxious in the first two days. My confidence as a dental professional was very low. I fear to appear incompetent and possibly commit a mistake that may cause the patient to get angry or dissatisfied. My head hurt from all the thinking and the pressure to review everything so I could be ready was overpowering. But I couldn’t possibly be ready in one night. Working as a health care professional is a life long journey of learning and practicing.

Life.

Long.

I began to understand why it was called Dental “practice” even when you’re already a Dentist.

They say, “Hey, where do you plan to start your dental PRACTICE?” or “how’s your PRACTICE doing?”

I mean, isn’t it weird? You have a patient’s life in your hands and you’re still just “practicing”? But it’s true. Do not be fooled though, this practice is not without thorough studying and prior training. It’s not a 6 year course for nothing. And yet, it never fails to be nerve wracking when you’ve got a complicated case and you’re itching to review everything in front of the patient- but you do it in secret because you must maintain their trust so everything could go smoothly for the both of you.

Anyway, back to the new job, thank goodness my first patient was just a cleaning. It really boosted my confidence to be able to do a simple procedure well and send off a satisfied client. Then to finish my working hours and get a first hold on my commission, it was so surreal! How did this just happen… dental school, graduation, the board exam? It all feels like yesterday.

But I’m here now.

I’ve finished all my dental requirements, I graduated from CEU, Manila, passed the board exam and got a job. All by God’s wonderful grace. (No, I did not get my pencil sharpened by a board passer, break my pencil, kick my chair or wear red underwear to the exam). I didn’t have to and I didn’t believe in it. I had faith in God, so luck is out of the picture.

Truly, He gave me peace to go through it all. He never failed. He sustained me… that’s how I got this far.

Whenever I get anxious, I remember how in dental school, I was always so stressed and easily burdened. I slept late hours out of fear because I didn’t want to get things wrong. I would get 2-3 hours of sleep everyday, 5 is my maximum. I would procrastinate out of stress and avoidance, and then cram my studies. I couldn’t eat well because I was always in such a hurry. As a Christian, it was devastating to represent my life with God in that way. But my weakness drove me to my knees. I was closest to God in my toughest times. Truly, He gave me peace to go through it all. He never failed. He sustained me… that’s how I got this far.

So if I was able to go through dental school and the board exam despite all my anxious thoughts- then I could most probably thrive in my new job without the anxious thoughts. Anxiety had nothing to do with my successes. It was what I choice to do with it. I used my anxiety as a motivation for me to draw near to the Lord, my Source of hope and strength. He is my success and my portion. I will not be driven by this rat race of a world, I will be driven by His Spirit.

Grace and peace,

Mary Dannelle

Against the sentiment-tide.

It’s a bad habit of mine to dwell in sentiments. Pain demands to be felt, they say. Of course, I’ve got to let them out. But I want to start this blog afresh. I’ve basked in sad thoughts for far too long. It’s time to go against the tide of my emotions. Toxic positivity? No, the truth sets you free. So here it goes…

My child, 
You are not without a plan or without wisdom. 
You've asked for her and you've sought My will,
and you know 
                 you have 
                         what you've asked for (James 1:5-7).

I know all your ways, your thoughts, 
your innermost desires (Psalm 119). 
I know your past, your present, 
and your future. 

I know how you seek perfection and order, 
just like I do (Matt 5:48),
and how much you desire to be strong and steadfast, 
just like my Son.

In time, you will have these things
but for now, be still 
                                and know 
                                        that I am God (Psalm 46:10).

Before you were born, I knew you, 
and I predestined you to be Mine (Jer 1:5).
I saw your unformed body and I knew...
I knew who you were, who you are,
and who you will become.

I made you, called you and saved you.
You were formed for My good works, for My good purpose 
which I prepared in advance for you to do (Rom 8:28-30).

So do not fret, my child,
do not worry about tomorrow (Matt 6:34)
or if your days will count,
or if your life will have meaning...

in Me, it does.
So remain in Me.
 (John 15:5-8)


-Mary Dannelle

This song helped my soul cry out and surrender to God

no longer a miserable christian

Who knew that a young adult with all the knowledge of God she could gather could still live a miserable life? I, of all people, did not think that the “light” I was showing was anxiety and a life full of doubt and double-mindedness- until a few close friends told me. Certainly NOT the life I was called for. I was up and running all the time, I didn’t know how to rest, and even when I did rest, I would try to make up for the “wasted” time until I was burnt out again. I was uptight and I second-guessed, not only my actions, but my motives as well! There was no peace.

If anyone saw my life, they wouldn’t want to be Christian. Yikes!

And yet, God was gracious to me. I knew that there was no other way but forward, no other way but Christ. Indeed, He is gentle and humble at heart. After years and years of living the miserable christian life. Christ taught me how to have joy by the power of the Holy Spirit, through His word (that gave me hope) and quality time with family and friends.

I founally- haha! spoonerism of finally and found. Anyway, I finally have joy again. It was not forced and I didn’t think twice about it. And the best part was, I got to praise God for it. It wasn’t a robotic “thank you” because I know God deserved our gratitude even when I don’t feel like it. But I have tasted and seen and felt the goodness of God so much that praise slipped through my lips! And even that made me want to thank God even more, knowing that joy and praise doesn’t come naturally to me. It truly is a gift from God (Ecclesiastes 5:19).

I cried over dresses.

[11:51 PM]

I cried over dresses.
Just had to confess it.
I felt like I lost a day.

The Lord told me,
“Don’t fret over clothes
and garments”

But I stressed over them anyway.

I kept thinking of how
people see me and how
I’m so picky, ungrateful,
and such…

But little do they know
I don’t choose on my own
Yeah, my mom calls the shots
very much.

And yes, I get it.
My graduation’s important
and my mom wants what’s
best for me.

I guess I’m just disappointed
instead of being productive,
I got tired stressing over
the least.

And the least I should be worried about
is how I look, what to wear and what
other people think

Because the Lord clothes the lilies
that wither fairly quickly
so will the Lord clothe my frail
and blemished skin.

Written by: the Practicing Saint

note to self: don’t sulk over things you can change

Every morning, my mind goes through a struggle of anxiously planning the day and my mind copes from that anxiety by day dreaming- it’s just a mess. So I lay in bed for awhile until I feel “awake” enough to stand. Then I go wash my face as a little push towards the day.

I came across a book on my parent’s desk entitled, “10 Things I Want My Daughter to Know”. As a curious book worm, I dove right into it. The writing style of Annie Chapman really helped me enjoy the gentle counsel. I related to a lot of what was written. It really helped me set my mind on better, more important matters. I love hearing the stories of other people’s experiences and how they go through it. A good counseling book is like having a convenient mentor by your side.

What struck me the most in this book was,

Don’t let anything you can change limit your life

Annie Chapman, 10 Things I Want My Daughter to Know p.25

If I can lessen my stress by resting more, exercising and eating healthy,
If I can let go of resentment by forgiving,
If I can overcome my moping and sulking by choosing to accept what is,
If I can pray when I cannot push myself to do the things above…

Then I should not let exhaustion, anxiety and upset feelings ruin my life.

There are many things in this world that I can’t change i.e., other people, my feelings, the past, etc. But I can decide how to respond and handle all that life throws at me. I could choose to fight for joy, live healthy, and seek God one step at a time or I could let everything crash down on me and stay under the weight of lies.

Thank You, Lord, for your truth. It sets me free from the urge to focus on myself and how easily tired I get. Thank You because I am enlightened and determined once again.

God, be my strength.

I’ve never praised God like this until now (then something happened.)

7:59AM

Perhaps I do not remember but my praise to the Lord is different this morning. I woke up the earliest I could which was 7:30am. I have a lot to do today but the Lord gave me joy to enjoy the time I have allotted for him. I can’t believe that in less than 30 mins, I was able to have a good stretch and praise the Lord singing “Everything that has breath” by Hillsong and I still have 30mins to read His word!

As I sang, I was dancing quite funnily. My whole body felt awkward but I just enjoyed dancing and moving my body for the Lord. I couldn’t think of any specific blessings to praise the Lord for, I just know there are many and that He is so good! I was teary eyed as I danced like a groovy old woman. It was so funny! I laughed with the Lord. I was so happy! Thank you Lord for this joy!

Despite my failed grades for pre-boards, despite missing an exam- God sustained me to give all my anxieties and worries to Him. Today as I opened the Bible randomly in Psalms so I could praise the Lord, I read Psalm 147 and it said in v11 “The Lord delights in those who fear him, who put their hope in his unfailing love.” AMEN!

Yes, I’ve made mistakes. But whatever happens, the Lord will let use it for good. He will never let me slip or fall from his hands. Everything has a purpose, even the bad, and I will praise the Lord and extol His name!

Mary, this is what it feels like to be filled in the Spirit:

• When you get irritated, you pause, resist your initial emotions, ask God for help and YIELD to him. (P.R.A.Y acronym)
• When you are offended, you do not assume or judge immediately, you try to think of ways to understand the person.
• When you are anxious, you remind yourself who the Lord is.. and you will be filled with peace because of the faith and hope you have in Him!
• On a mundane day, you will have joy simply because God is good. You won’t be afraid to dance and sing because you woke up early in the morning and no one is awake yet. Just you and the Lord.
• You can dance all weird and lip sync with earphones on, and praise the Lord!
• You will not worry about time because God will take the best you can give, he is merciful and patient to those whose hearts are set on him. Praise the Lord!
• And, you are excited to read his word, to talk to him, to praise him, to share about him, to obey and follow him.

Thank you Lord!

But the joy didn’t last long…

Mary at 4/24/21 1:44 PM
A stressful thing just happened. Kulang dent materials ko. D ako makakapag-CPE next week. I forced myself to practice with what I have. Save up using 1 casting wax, the bigger sprue wax… it was a disaster! I found myself getting discouraged more and more. My face was heating up.

Mom found out and got stressed. I should’ve listened to them and asked for help in buying materials. I did it all on my own, nagtipid ako, and I didn’t give them a chance to help me search dental materials here (since we’re abroad but my school is in our home country), which led to this moment. Na-disappoint si mommy sakin.

I was so stressed and sad. I had to keep myself from getting angry. I P.R.A.Yed using the acronym my Ninang shared. I paused, resisted my emotions, asked the Lord for help and endured in yielding to the Holy spirit. Because of that, God gave me patience and understanding towards my mommy and humbled my heart to say sorry. Mommy was stressed. Daddy had to go back to the pastoral house to repeat a recording that brought him quite late the last time. And then mommy found out I couldn’t go on with my clinical requirements because I had incomplete things.

I was ashamed, sad and frustrated. I was anxious about the thoughts of other people towards me, how kuripot, indecisive and stupid I had been. I was sad because I sought a hug from someone important, but she was avoidant, only giving a forced, stiff, half-hug. I cried to the Lord. I told him all that was in my heart. I apologized to Him as well. I had been so stubborn. But the Lord showed me his unfailing love and patience, how he is slow to anger. I only need to humble myself to Him and repent. How gracious is he!

I wrote down my hurts and feelings, and the things I feel God calls me to do. Then I stood up and apologized to mommy. I will do all that I need and can do, one step at a time by God’s grace. Amen.

The joy was cut short in the morning, but when I persevered in the Lord, clung on to Him and surrendered to the Holy Spirit, my joy was restored!

Not everything is as it should be yet. I’m still kinda stressed. But I find peace, knowing that the Lord’s got my back and He will guide me as I cling on to Him.

I forced myself to practice with what I had (since my materials were lacking). It didn’t turn out well apparently.

Fighting! Grace & peace,

Mary on the road to DMD.

i’m tired of myself. a poem.

Friday, February 12, 2021 11:22 AM

I’m tired of myself (always blaming others).
I’m tired of myself (always so easily upset).
I’m tired ’cause it takes time for me to cool down,
and I hurt others in the process.
I’m tired of wanting the world to revolve around me,
to give me space, to give me time, to excuse my attitude.
All these things I seek: justice, understanding, patience.
But these things I can never really have
in the package I want them to come in;
Unflawed and perfect, just the way I like it.
and these things I could never really give
Unflawed and perfect, as I had imagined.

And so God molds me with a chisel and mallet
on my clay body that has hardened,
on my delicate heart that longs to be callous.
and it hurts to be hammered, even gently.
Yet I seek Him still
’cause if I stayed this way
I’ll never learn to forgive,
I’ll never learn to let go,
I’ll never learn to give
the things I seek out the most;
I’ll never learn to be meek
when I long to defend my own selfish pride.
I’ll never learn to understand
the anger and emotions when love was implied.

And as I hold on to my bouquet of reasons
Picking up dying flowers of upset feelings
God I look to you to mold me new hands
That is willing to let go;
A new heart that is ready to forgive,
A new mind, obliged to understand;
New ears inclined to listen
And new eyes, fixed on You, my loving Creator.

Help me love the girl in the mirror,
despite her mistakes and corrupted nature,
she’s still the work of your hands,
a part of your creation.

-Mary Dannelle